


Eight Reasons Why

by lilhawkeye3



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Dogfather, F/M, Gen, Harry is too innocent for this shit, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Remus Lupin is getting too old for this shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:21:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23225473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilhawkeye3/pseuds/lilhawkeye3
Summary: Sirius can trace his stint in Azkaban back to one conclusive moment in his life: "If it weren't for getting caught by your roommate doing inappropriate wand things, I wouldn't have spent that time in Azkaban!"Remus is starting to get too old to deal with this.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 40
Collections: Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest





	Eight Reasons Why

**Author's Note:**

> A lil crack fic for the Weasley's birthday! Thanks to [KoraKunkel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KoraKunkel/pseuds/KoraKunkel) for being the Queen of Betaing!
> 
> "If it weren't for [getting caught by your roommate doing inappropriate wand things], I wouldn't have spent that time in Azkaban!"

“I’m sorry, explain that again?” Remus Lupin stared at Sirius Black blankly from across the kitchen table in Grimmauld Place, not sure if what he had just heard was correct. Maybe he imagined the ridiculous words that had come out of his friend’s mouth? Perhaps it was a side effect of the firewhiskey they were all drinking...

Sirius sighed dramatically as he leaned back in his chair and began to count off on his fingers. “One: I was sent to Azkaban because Pettigrew framed me for the murder of those muggles and the betrayal of James and Lily. Pettigrew was only chosen for the Fidelius charm because you were… busy, and he wouldn’t be seen as ‘the obvious choice.’

“Two: He wasn’t seen as the ‘obvious choice’ because everyone knew I lived with the Potters’ and that James and I were like brothers.

“Three: I moved in with the Potters because my bitch of a mother cursed me when I didn’t take the mark.

“Four: I didn’t take the mark because I never agreed with my family.

“Five: I didn’t agree with my family because Andy was cast out for marrying a muggleborn.

“Six: Andy married a muggleborn because they didn’t have all those uppity morals about girls being ‘pure’ for marriage.

“Seven: Those lack of uppity morals meant there were quite a few older girls that fancied me that were… let’s just say ’more experienced’ than others.

“And finally, eight: Those lovely ladies being more experienced is why James walked in on me one afternoon with this fantastically flexible sixth year Hufflepuff bending over while I used my wand to–”

Remus hastily leaned towards Sirius and clamped his hand tightly over his friend’s mouth in order to keep the rest of the sentence a mystery. “I believe we get the point,” he said, desperately trying to keep from laughing as he gestured towards Harry’s wide eyes. The boy was clearly far more innocent than either of them had been before their fifth year.

Sirius licked Remus’ palm and grinned triumphantly as the werewolf quickly snatched his hand away in disgust. “So! To recap: if it weren’t for getting caught by your roommate doing inappropriate wand things, I wouldn’t have spent that time in Azkaban!”

“Sirius, James was _both_ of our roommates. And you shouldn’t have been doing that in our shared dormitory– you could’ve at _least_ put up an alert ward or a silencing charm...”

Sirius waved his hand nonchalantly. “Semantics. Besides, it was _nothing_ compared to what I once caught him doing with Lily...”

Their attention was drawn back to Harry as it sounded like he began to cough. Remus reached out to pat his back and make sure he hadn’t choked on the small bit of firewhiskey he was given. 

“That stuff is hot,” Harry sputtered, taking a moment to regain his breath before he turned a suspicious glare onto his godfather. “And _what_ exactly did you see my mum and dad doing?” His eyes narrowed dangerously and Sirius found himself slightly cringing with regret of his earlier choice of words.

“Uh… well, son…” He rubbed his hand awkwardly against the back of his neck as he shot a pleading glance at Remus to save him. Remus merely gestured for him to continue as he took another long sip of firewhiskey. “Y’see, when two people love each other very much–”

Harry wrinkled his nose in disgust and slid his chair backwards away from the table. “I don’t need to hear the bloody ‘talk’ in relation to my parents!”

Sirius shrugged helplessly. “You asked!”

“It was rhetorical!”

Remus tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling and sigh. Sometimes it was like nothing had changed; Sirius would always find a way to put his foot in his mouth at one point or another and the world would keep on spinning.


End file.
